If you’ve ever been to a Whole Foods store, you know that it can be crowded full of people mesmerized by the displays of expensive organic foods in front of them. At least, that’s the way the Whole Foods is near me: There are masses of humanity, all paused in their shopping routines, mulling over conventionally grown broccoli and organic Belgian endive, and deciding between the least smelly cheeses available.
Our food budget is small, so we don’t shop at Whole Foods for staples, but I like to pop in once a week to pick up organic meat and certain other items, like gluten free pasta or vegetarian taco mix, depending on who I plan on feeding in the coming week. I find that shopping at Whole Foods takes a certain strategy. Here’s how I go about it:
1. Grab a basket and head inside.
2. Use evasive maneuvers to weave through the produce section. Avoid shoppers entranced by the exotic foods, like white asparagus and baby bok choy.
3. Drool a moment over the chocolate and cheese sections (strategically placed next to each other, you’ll notice).
4. Stop by meat counter to buy sale meat, and only sale meat.
5. Try to find specialty item not available in your local supermarket.
6. Try to find staff member who can help you find specialty item not available in your local supermarket.
7. Crash into someone’s cart parked in your way as you sight staff member.
8. Apologize profusely to other customer. Lose sight of staff member.
9. Head back to aisle where specialty food item would be, if it was available in your local supermarket.
10. Stare at shelves one last time without sighting specialty item.
11. Attempt to make your way to cash registers.
12. Every aisle is blocked by carts. Keep walking until you hit bakery at opposite end of store.
13. Circle around to front of store.
14. Narrowly miss toppling a sampling station of salsa and crackers.
15. Reach cash registers.
16. Decline to donate a dollar to Whole Foods charity.
17. Thrust reusable bags at bagger, who has already bagged half of your items.
18. Exit store. Breathe.